Scientiae: ThereIsNoIinTeamButThereIs_M_E

Attributed to my best friend, whispered during one of our track coaches' less effective pep talks.

"There is an M and an E in Team," may indeed be my style right now. Maybe the snark isn't quite so fitting, but it's a lot closer than being inspired.

I have been working on my research-based Master's since the fall of 2005. There are lots of perfectly good reasons why I haven't finished- field seasons, Booker's deployment, bouts of anxiety disorder, insomnia (MAJOR insomnia, like 3-4 hours a night for months in a row) and depression. Now I'm just outright embarrassed that it's taking so long. My personal life is mine to keep personal, much of it is things I wouldn't want to share with my advisor (I told him about some "health problems" that have now been straightened out) or committee, yet the past two years have strongly affected my performance. Uhh...where was I?

Yes, so now I am just desperate to finish and constantly trying to de-fang this whole thing. I totally hate my project and feel little to no passion for what I have been doing. A friend of mine once told me to go with that; instead of waiting to feel inspired, to just let yourself feel so pissed off that you want to be done. And I am. I really am. I'm also verrry self-involved and cranky. So this is how my "M and E in Team" is playing out:

1) I don't care about meeting the new grad students. Yes, you are nice people, I have been in your shoes before and will be again. But I don't care about you. I won't be here past December and I'm not interested in making new friends. Plus, they all come in starry-eyed and Pollyanningly say "Iiiiii won't be here forever. Iiiii am going to finish in two years." Whatever. Just you wait. This is an overwhelmingly fieldwork-based department; the average is 2.5-3 years, and those people who take longer are busting their asses just as much as you plan to.

2) I am working at *large retail chain* and trying to help support our little family. Therefore, I am not always available to go to the department seminar and do not appreciate snarky e-mails from program head that "only 12 of our 40 students came to the seminar." I consistently attended seminar for 3 years. Bite me.

3) Nor do I appreciate, upon telling people where I work, getting told, "Well, do what you have to." BTW, it tends to be faculty who do that. Are you that out of touch?? Some of us don't have tenure! My job gives its employees full benefits for working 20+ hours a week. Yes, health care for working 20 hours a week. I'd like to point out that as a TA, I didn't earn any social security credits, definately no 403(b) options, and the university fees and mandated health insurance cost us 1/3 of our stipend a year.

3) I am working at a job where I make $1 dollar more an hour than a job I had as a college freshman over 10 years ago. Except now I have 1.75 more degrees. Yes, I'm lucky to have a job of any kind, the economy, blah blah blah. It still stings when you have $60,000 in student loan debt.

4) Competitive lab mate does not want anyone to finish before her. The next time she tries to pry out exactly how far along I am in writing, I might very well turn around and fart in her face.

I think I'm going to enjoy my membership in Team M-E. Being the pissed off founding member has gotten me to finish a thesis chapter, which I had put on hold all summer. If inspiration is not your style, I highly recommend starting an M-E franchise!

Watch your fucking mouth!

Ok. I work at a certain retail store. It's not important where. Most of my coworkers are late teens and early twenties. We had a meeting today to go over some things and clear the air (there's been lots of silly gossip.) One of the things that I brought up was that *people*- and I included myself because I have a filthy mouth (fuck, shit, that kind of thing) - need to watch what we say, that the store is mostly loud but does have sweet spots where customers can hear us. The specific example I used is how 'r-------' and 'g---' are thrown around. (Yeah, and I am SO not okay with that.)

The reaction was kind of lukewarm, as in general agreement that yes, we should watch what we say but we all know it's not meant to be anything bad, etc etc. I beg to differ. Those offensive examples I gave to everyone don't include the times I've heard a certain specific group of people referred to in a negative way- the most outlandish being "---- people smell bad." Or the times I've heard f--, NOT in reference to a British term for a cigarette and (thankfully) not in front of my homosexual coworker. I've noticed that there's some editing. When my xyz coworkers are not there, things are said about xyz people. When the pqr coworker is not there, things are said- "jokingly"- about pqr people. More than once something that has been tossed out in a sarcastic manner has left me absolutely speechless, jaw hanging open. I try to throw out a "I don't like that word," or "What do you mean?"

I don't know. I guess I need to vent in an anonymous way. Mostly I can't believe what people think it is okay to say in any context, let alone at work. And that the most effective way to stop it seems to be "oh, we don't want the customers to hear." Am I the only one who was taught not to do that? Whether or not anyone can hear you? Is it a generational thing? Is it a regional thing?

I don't know if I should/ should not have said anything. 1) I just want to collect a paycheck and keep my nose clean at work and be cool with all my coworkers. 2) Everyone pretty much knows where I stand on some things due to my standard "I don't like that word" response. Still, I kind of got the feeling of a sense of -we're-all-adults-and-we-can-say-what-we-want-and-people-shouldn't-be-so-sensitive. But when all the terms are put together, and especially when you hear what some people say when others are not there, it paints a really nasty picture.

Blargh.

I just think that what you say MATTERS.

Moving Forward

Not sure it's best for me to blog after taking my Ambien. I written a little bit about the insomnia and depression with whom I've been coexisting. The biggest part of my moving on has been in using these prescriptions which I very badly needed. I got a therapist.I got a part-time job. I think my head will eventually get out of the clouds enough to come down to earth to finish writing my thesis. Booker is taking a kickboxing class for fun, so now we both have the energy to deal with the house issues before we try to sell it. We're in a pattern now where everything i contigenet on everything else, so it's hard to move ahead. When the insomnia was bad, I was only getting ~3 hours a night. I honestly thoutht I was losing my mind. I couldn't think, stuttered halfway through sentences, and constantly felt like I was on a roller coaster. It was that dippy fluttery feeling in your stomach, all day and all night over and over again. Both being able to sleep and feeling calm and confident during the day has put me right again. The porfessional progress is still slow, but I'm okay with that.

Blogroll

New:

MJ Palmer @ The Bottom Liner

Hope it actually added! Having technical difficulties.

Blogroll

I've updated my blogroll, which I hope to do periodically from now on. I read so many interesting blogs that are just not (yet) reflected for my, oh, 3-4 readers of this blog:) I've added:

Aunt Becky @ Mommy Wants Vodka
Clarissa @ Tales of a Conservationist
post-doc @ Minor Revisions
dreamsintodeeds @ Turning Dreams Into Deeds
Janus Professor @ Janus Professor, My Travels in a Two-Body Life

Booker

Booker has just mocked his pseudonym, thusly earning an arm hair pull. He doesn't read this so I don't know why he cares.

Insomnia is Crazy-Making.

(Photo from http://www.insomnias.info/3/3.htm)

I've had problems with insomnia for the past 5 years or so. It seems to go in cycles, which have been running closer together, and for longer periods. It became unbearable this past winter, but I think I now have it under control. I still don't know what causes it, although I can eliminate an immune response to gluten. I know that it is in part anxiety-driven, but not completely. The insomnia is on 2 levels- the first, that it takes forever to fall asleep, the second, that I don't stay asleep. once awake, my mind starts spinning. At its worst, I was getting 3 hours at night and unable to nap during the day. I know a lot of people struggle with insomnia, so the point of this post is to let you what I've tried- I for one am always looking for new things to try to get some rest.
Caveat: these are suggestions only! I'm not a doctor, etc etc.


- Bed Time routine- I kind of wanted to hit the people who suggested that. Really? Can you tell me which way my underwear faces, because without you I can't function! So yeah, I have a routine of turning lights off, reading magazines, no phone calls or computer, and calming down in general.

- Benadryl, Tylenol PM, etc- Don't make me laugh. These may have worked 5 years ago when this started, but they have no effect now. I've read that a tolerance can develop quickly, and they are not meant for long-term use anyway.

- Valerian Root- doesn't work for me, but I know people who swear by it.

- Catnip tea- doesn't work for me.

- Chamomile tea, SleepyTime tea- no dice.

- Melatonin- doesn't work (for me), and it's not great to take for anything more than an occasional night. I've read that it can cause a feedback loop wherein your body produces less; what you want is for your body to produce melatonin to regulate your circadian rhythm.

- Magnesium- the theory is that you need adequate magnesium to absorb calcium. It didn't make me feel sleepy, but it did relax me which is still helpful.

- Sunlamp- my husband has a therapeutic sunlamp. You're supposed to sit in front of it for at least 15 minutes in the morning; it triggers melatonin production. I don't know about sleepiness, but it did make me feel a lot more energetic first thing in the morning.

- Brain waves- Booker has some CD's that you are supposed to listen to with headphones. They re-set your brain waves for relaxation, concentration, sleepiness. They made me noticeably more relaxed, but at its worst sleep was still elusive.

- Tryptophan supplements- the amino acid in your Thanksgiving turkey makes you sleepy. It actually helped once in a while.


Ok, time to get serious. I saw the doc for:
- Trazadone. I took this for over a year, during Booker's deployment. It worked, until it didn't. I went off and was sleeping okay- not great, but sleeping- until a new insomnia cycle started this January.

- Seroquel- I only took this for 2 weeks. It knocked me out but I didn't like the way it made me feel.

- Gluten intolerance- got a blood test to check for an immune response, which I don't seem to have. Have not yet investigated any other food sensitivities.

- Ambien CR- worked great the first week. Then not so well, then not hardly but still better than taking nothing. It had only been a month when I called about switching. The nurse told me that it is the strongest thing on the market, so if Ambien doesn't work, nothing will. Cheery.

- Sleep study- Apparently I have mild sleep apnea, but not enough episodes to warrant the mask. Doc told me to sleep on my side, which is something I intuitively do anyway. Nothing else was really revealed. When I asked him what I could do to sleep, he told me to keep taking the Ambien CR and to have a bedtime routine (see the first bullet.) Seriously dude? This was after I waited 2 hours in an empty waiting room, because "the doctor isn't in today, but he's on his way in now." Um, I drove an hour and a half to be here for a 1:30 appointment, for which you did not have the courtesy to consider until I've been here 2 hours?

This last insomnia cycle took about 4 months to get stabilized. I am still deeply interested in finding out what causes it- if it's anxiety-based (I believe in part, but not entirely), if it's partly physiological (not confident I got rid of the tapeworm, maybe food sensitivities?), or what. But for now:


- I take an anti-anxiety medication in the morning. This issue is both separate from and part of the insomnia. It helps, to an amazing degree.

- I take Ambien CR at night. It seems to work better now that I'm taking the other med. I still wake up a lot at night, but now I am able to fall back asleep whereas before I'd just spin my wheels. For hours.

- Climbing out of the hole means I have the energy and drive to take on positive habits that had fallen by the wayside. Exercise, cleaning the house so it's not a pit, taking general better care of myself so I have pride in my appearance, cooking meals for us, hanging out with people for fun, etc etc. All of these go into sleeping better at night, and I was not capable of any of them until I could even things out a bit.

- No alcohol, at all, ever. I don't metabolize it very well on a good day. It actually makes the insomnia worse- something about the sugar or preservatives. Now that I have some prescriptions I just don't want to mess with it at all.

- Continue to limit caffeine, which I have done from Day 1. Unfortunately it is a vicious cycle- the less you sleep, the more you need something to face your day.

If you have insomnia, I feel your pain. Maybe something I have tried might work for you.