More than a Permanent Student

February (et al) Declutter Update

2011-03-03T18:07:00.003-05:00

I started following along on the Declutter Challenge last, um, year, at Amy's Finer Things. I was hoping to make it to 730 ft cubed exported in 2010. I made it to 113.8, 15.6% before I was distracted by shiny things the rest of the year.

So, I was happy to see that Nony at A Slob Comes Clean is a) a woman after my own heart and b)continuing the Declutter Challenge link-up.

Full disclosure, I haven't paid much attention to decluttering since last year, when I made it to the 113.8 ft cubed. (Yes, I did in fact measure everything and that kind of complusive behavior may have had something to do with my loss of momentum. Merf.) The bulk of that material was purged from items we'd brought back from my Mom's house in Ohio. Divorced parents + sparse long term memory= a lotta crap. "I don't remember this but it says 1984. Maybe if I keep it, I will remember something from 1984?"

Lately, though, I've been focused on the ways my life has stagnated. (I am a recovering grad student. I finished my research and coursework two years ago, life and a mental breakdown intervened, and I haven't quite put the finishing touches on that thesis and defense.) I want to clear out everything that's been staring me in the face for the past few years, big and small, mentally and physically. My declutter steps have made a small impact in terms of what we see in the house, but have really lifted me mentally.

~Returning my Sbux uniform, a year after my last shift. Now it won't be in my closet sparking dreams of being late for my shift. I am grateful to Bux. They are a good company and gave me a job when no other jobs were to be found. However, it wasn't a good time in my life. Booker and I were fighting; anxiety and insomnia had put me in a very desperate and scary place. I was no longer a full-time student, so my loans were due, and when you've invested $60,000 in your education, working for minimum wage is a huge hit to your self-esteem. I'm not being snobby, just honest. So the sight of the green apron doesn't bring a flood of happy memories.

~Took a bagful to Goodwill, including the book American Taboo: a Murder in the Peace Corps. My friend sent it to my 4 years ago. I've been waiting this whole time to be in a mental space to handle Deb Gardner's story. I finally was able to admit to myself that I'll have to find other ways to honor her.

~ I realized that Lowes recycles CFL lightbulbs. It's not so much that we are early adopters, and have run through them after 5-8 years of use, as it is that one of us is very impatient. CFL's have a slight lag time when you turn them on, and I- um, one of us- had a bad habit of flicking the switch off and on, which just makes them burn out. "Is it broken? Oh. Shit. It is now." We had a collection of 9-10 sitting in our closet, that have led to a few bickerfests. The issue:

Me: These contain heavy metals, which are bad and wrong. Our city does not recycle them. We can't afford the $30 kit to mail them off. Throwing them out is not an option. So let's hold on to them until we figure it out.

Booker Phase 1: What? Heavy metals? I've never heard that. Are you sure that's right?

Booker Phase 2: O-KAY. Fine! No, I believed you. Yes I did. Yes I did. Yes I did. Since they have heavy metals, we shouldn't keep them in the house where they are subject to breakage. It would be great to recycle them if it were easy, but it's not, so let's just throw them away and try to do better next time.

Booker Phase 3: Yes I did. Yes I did. Yes I did. No, I care about the water supply. Yes I do. Yes I do. Yes I do.

Seriously, it's been YEARS that we have held onto these lightbulbs. At one point I even hid them. 50 points goes to the winner who guesses which of use was more invested in the idea of recycling these mofos???

And this whole damn time, we could've just trotted off to Lowes. Which I did this afternoon, and it felt great.

Small things physically, big psychologically. Let's see if I can make the thesis deadline of April 15!

I'm linking this up at A Slob Comes Clean for the February Decluttering Update. Stop by to cheer us on and join in!

How I Went Off Sleeping Pills

2010-09-16T19:50:00.002-04:00

I had been taking Ambien in various forms (CR high and low dose, regular high and low dose) for about 15 months. When I went on it I was in a place of desperation because of extreme and chronic insomnia and anxiety. I had tried every single conceivable herbal or non-invasive remedy out there. I'd had a sleep study that showed that yes, I had mild sleep apnea and yes, I was only sleeping 50-60% of the time and no, there is no reason we can find for it. I am by no means quick to request medication and am typically highly skeptical of a prescription. But I swear to the Flying Spaghetti Noodle Monster that I don't for one millisecond regret taking sleeping pills. Paired with anti-anxiety medication, it was absolutely what I needed at that point in my life.

However, a year later my life circumstances had become more stable, and my brain chemistry had recalibrated. While a sleeping pill used to give me a 7-9 hour respite, I was now sleeping for 12 hours and groggy for 14, even after tapering down from Ambien Continued Release to Ambien (Standard) in the lowest dose available. My body was telling me that it was time to move on.

So for myself, and anyone else wanting to change medication, I knew the first step was to talk to my doctor. And from here is where I draw inspiration for this post. The conversation went a little something like this:
S: I want to go off Ambien.
Dr.: Why? Is it not working?
S: It's working too well. I'm sleeping for 12 hours a night and I'm very groggy.
Dr.: Ok. We can put you on something else.
S: No, I don't want anything else. I don't want anything. I don't think I need it anymore. And it scares me to be on it long-term.
Dr: Oh it's safe. We have patients that are on it for years.
S: Sooo.......how do I go off?
Dr: Oh...um....well, I guess
S's brain: {why don't you *know*??}
Dr: ...........I guess you'll cut them in half for about 2 weeks. Then you should be good.

Um,.....*not* how this story went. I can't say that he wasn't supportive, but I got the distinct impression that in this practice, they very infrequently foster patients *off* of sleeping pills. As for the long-term safety...I'm pretty skeptical. I'm not a doctor, but I am a biologist and I am certainly capable of finding and interpreting peer-reviewed publications. Guess what? A medium search for Ambien studies defined "long-term" use as 30-60 days. (Medium search being between a 3-click lazy search and an intensive 3-day search.) One to two months, not one to two years. I stopped looking for evidence. I don't want to know. If there's damage, it's already been done. But I have a lot of faith in the brains' plasticity, and even more faith in my own judgement.

Because I had been taking the drug for so long, an abbreviated taper down schedule as outlined by my doctor was not going to work for me. I doubt it would work for anyone in the same situation. Bitter. Moving on.

I started out on the lowest prescribed dose (5 mg) of regular, ie not continued release, Ambien. I cut these in half, and switched every other night between a full dose (5mg) and a half dose (2.5mg). So, over the course of a week I had 75% Ambien in my system compared to the week before. I stayed here for about 2 weeks, before adding in another night of a half-pill. So now it was one night at 5 mg, 2 nights at 2.5 mg. After a few weeks here I move on to 2.5 mg nearly every night, and a full dose about once a week. This once a week was usually in situations where my routine was off- vising people, staying out late, etc etc. Anything that would disrupt my routine and cause excess stimulation, which my brain interprets as stress. My body responds with an elevated heart rate and pulse, breathing quickly-yeah, no sleep for you.

Eventually I was taking 2.5 mg a night. From there I cut those in half, and followed my same protocol outlined above with every other night, every two nights, once or twice a week....Finally, I was at the point where I was only taking 1/4 of a 5mg Ambien pill every 3 or 4 nights. I made the leap to go cold turkey at that point. The whole process took me about 4 months. The advantage of slowly tapering off was that I didn't have any withdrawal or kick-back insomnia. I was very motivated to avoid withdrawal effects that would worsen my anxiety (I am still on that med.) Perhaps someone without concurrent anxiety/ depression could go off more quickly.

I have been completely off sleep medication for about a month. I don't sleep great (there's still that sleep apnea), but I do sleep well enough. I signed up for a computer-based Cognitive Behavior Training for Insomnia. I'll post more after I've completed it- I don't like to write about things I haven't tried myself. I am on a cleansing program (Dr. Natura Colonix) to eliminate all vestiges of Ambien from my system.

I still want to pursue the source of my poor sleep and other health problems. This winter, after my defense, I'm going to try an elimination diet to look for gluten or other food sensitivities. I know that something internal is causing bad skin, distended stomach, insomnia, and possible even anxiety and sleep apnea. Has anyone out there tried this?

If you're out there and looking for support to go off sleep medication, I hope this helps. But keep in mind I sure as hell am not a medical professional.

Where I Am Now

2010-03-14T23:11:00.004-04:00

The February business assignment on the Soarority forum focuses on a current-state inventory for those starting photography businesses. I'm applying the same principle to my own stalled academic career.

Talents & Skills: Improved whazoo skills, a surprising interest in zoowhazz, GIS mapping, better at experimental design (although that is a constantly evolving skill), solid writing skills, Speak French, able to live in rustic, low-to-no-amenity environments (pit latrine. 2.5 years), grant-writing, classoom management/ lesson-planning/ instructional skills; trained in community develoment and have conducted start to finish projects on that end, once in awhile I can come up with an idea and a half-plan on how to do some cool SCIENCE!

Money ...Received some grants for my MS research which I am currently writing-up...also received a travel grant to attend a national conferece and present a poster on my work. Had received teaching assistantships for several semesters. Currently employed full-time in my home department; hoping that will last. (We're in a state that is proposing murderous budget cuts, so a lay-off is always a possbility.) Now I need to finish the second half of my thesis and defend. I'll also need to present my final results at a conference for one of my granting agencies. We're okay on money right now- okay meaning we make all of our minimum payments with a very small margin at months' end. The best thing I can do to help us with money is have my Master's in hand.

People- Booker. Two women who have invested a lot of time in mentoring me and listening to my whining and anxiety. Lots of friends who are in academia and understand the challenges. Lots of friends who are not in academia to remind me that there are other things to work towards in life. My advisor is pretty good, although distinctly slow in returning drafts. And often a no-show or reschedules meetings. I feel pretty good about my committee members- they are nice people who give constructive criticism---not really worried about one of them going apeshit on me in the defense. Above all else, they are *fair*.

Systems- Ummm....well, my laptop has Microsoft XP, as does Booker's. Both are ancient and of low-to-medium performance, but we're making them work for us. I have the BioStats program our Dept. uses. Access to computers on campus with ARC-GIS software. Hours and hours of whazoo recordings and a pretty kickin' zoowhazz collection. External hard-drive.

Agreements- I have a contract with myself to finish this degree, or lose my self-respect forever.

Mission impact- there's a gap in the literature which my results would fill quite nicely. This topic was hot 25 years ago, then folks moved on. Not because it was irrelevant, but few were looking at any specific components to this ecological issue. When it was all in generalities, the community couldn't really come to any conclusions. My hope is that my research provides hard data for a very tiny component of the larger issue, which can be used to bolster up declining whazoo populations. Long-term, my committment is to research and sustainability, however those come about. My first preference is a career in academia because I want the freedom to conduct my own research, I like teaching, and I want to start a non-profit working with my former village in far-away place. Life as a professor would support all those goals.

Declutter Challenge

2010-03-08T19:18:00.004-05:00

Well, my goal of 730 ft cubed was waaay overambitious. As of right now I'm at 20 ft cubed. Still, it has changed how I approach my junk...I'm a lot more willing to get rid of things I would have kept in the past. I'm learning that just because something has another use, doesn't mean I have to be the one to use it. That's a hard thing for a tree-hugger to accept.

I'm finding all kinds of treasures too: ex: a cutting board of 4 different woods my Dad made for my Mom their first Christmas together. (They divorced when I was 7 and I find that I am incredibly sentimental over any artifacts I can find from when they were together. Odd, since most of my memories start at 8- it's not like I'm missing that time in my life- I can't remember it! I wonder if this is a typical child-of-divorce thing?)

Ex: an old bug barn, inscribed with 'Bug-el: A safe haven.' I didn't like bugs then. Wonder what I was thinking?

Ex: A battery-operated orange tabby cat my late grandmother gave me. We'd had an orange tabby with a litter of four; the kittens eventually found a home on their farm & 5 acres.

I haven't really had much time to go through things, so I do expect those numbers to go up every month. But the little bit has made a difference- I was able to turn one of our two junk rooms into a usable space. It's officially the man-room, and was Booker's Valentine's Present. My hope is that in the next month or so we'll really start to see a difference in clutter and open space.

See Amy's Finer Things for a community declutter challenge.

January Pantry Challenge

2010-02-23T20:33:00.005-05:00

Also known as, on-the-first-day-in-snow-in-21-years-our-as-old-furnace-died.

On top of my tuition and fees due for my useless thesis hour (earned everything long ago, just keeping my enrollment continuous), we are O-U-T of money till payday in 3 days. 72 hours.

So at first I was kind of here and there with the challenge; it didn't gain momentum until we ran out of money. We used up almost all of our quinoa and a lot of rice. We are down to one can of cocoa and almost out of the big jar of marshmallow fluff. (Making the most of this recipe).We used up all of our dried beans and lentils, and most of our canned beans. We are almost out of the fancy boullion-concentrate that has to be kept in the fridge. (Chicken is gone, veggie nearly). Ramen, gone. Pasta, gone. Frozen pie crusts, gone. Several bags of frozen veggies, gone. Several pounds of sale meat lurking in the freezer, gone. TVP, gone.

Not as planned: I was so, so excited to make Joloff Rice, a traditional West Africa dish that reminds me of my time in the Peace Corps. I don't know what happened, but it was a huge, colassal fail. I won't even link to the recipe because I am *certain* that it would be an injustice, sinceI somehow messed it up. Recipes' author should not pay for my sins. I don't want anyone to think that my bad experience is typical, because joloff Rice is actually totally, completely delicious. How bad was it? So bad that the night I made it, my husband told me he ate on the way home. (Don't judge him. He has a 1 hr45min commute- ONE-WAY.) A few nights later, I said "That rice wasn't very good. I don't even think I'll eat the leftovers." (Which filled 2 big containers). Booker says, "I wasn't going to say anything, but I could smell it cooking and it made me sick to my stomach."

FAIL.

As was the cranberry sauce. Sure, I thought, I bought these 2 months ago. Mais OUI, I can can them. (Botulism...?) A calmer sense prevailed. I threw 2 lbs of fresh cranberries on the lawn instead. I was rewarded 2 mornings later with a huge mixed flock of Cedar Waxwings and American Robins. (Down here, Robins mean winter. By Spring, they have taken off North).

Now what now? Can't see 'em? Yeah...sorry...not quite on the wildlife photography thing yet. Try this:

Cedar Waxwings and Robins are my favorites, because they flock like a bunch of insecure tweeners at the mall. As soon as one flies off, the others follow. They are noisy and obnoxious and are messy eaters. They may be my animal totem after all.

Me Ra Koh & SOAR! Community

2010-02-20T22:46:00.007-05:00

I stumbled onto Me Ra Koh's blog a few months ago.... and am really enjoying it. She started a scholarship to enable women to start their own photography businesses. I'm not quite there, but I would like to learn how to use my own dang camera. I really like the positive, upbeat tone of this community. That kind of support is what I'm looking for in 2010.

Okay, so she has set it up to be an inclusive thing. Anyone who wants to can participate in monthly photo exercises, post them on the forum for support, etc etc. So, go to her site and check out the link for the SOAR! Blog, and you can also sign up to be a member of the SOAR! forum.

January photo exercises were to do a self-portrait in 2 parts- one, the image of yourself, and two, the image of an object that represents yourself.

Because this blog is anonymous, I'm not quite posting my self-portrait in-full here.

But this is what I took, and why:

I am sitting on the floor in our office, which we have wholly trashed. Papers and stacks of things everywhere. An episode of 'Hoarders' in the making. I'm leafing through citations for my thesis. I tried to frame it so I would look all studious and whatnot, and the cat walked though right when the camera fired. Anyway, I chose this picture because I do feel so distracted with everything right now. Small things, like losing the book I bought on organization and efficiency ('Getting Things Done.) Big things, like losing track of what my goals are, how to get there, not having the energy to even try. The picture summed it up- sitting there surrounded by crap. In the background is my great-grandfathers writing desk, which I have desecrated by piling up with old bills and junk mail. I'm trying to present an image of being a pulled together academic- She reads pubs! At home!- and in the end all it takes to distract me is a big orange cat butt.

Picture(s) 2 I will post:

This year we lit candles for Solstice. And by we, I mean I did, and made Booker come outside to look at them. Whatever. I am Pagan, and Winter Solstice in this tradition is a time for introspection, embracing darkness, and asking the higher powers for guidance. I gave the smallest of energies to the event this year, only thinking about these things in the time it took to set up and light the luminaries.

The very next day I learned that my close friend and former PCV postmate (Peace Corps Volunteer) was going back to Benin. She had originally planned on going in Spring, but she is on a Fullbright in a neighboring country and moved it up. We'd planned all along to send some money with her, for my village. Western Union won't work for a variety of reasons. When I left 5 years ago, my village didn't have any phones. Within a week of Solstice, this sister-friend had set foot in my village, and had re-established contact. My old friends have cell phones, and have called me! Some of my projects are going, some were a bust. But having my village be a part of my life again is doing a lot to heal me. For the past 5 years I've almost been living as if my time there had never happened. And I think that that approach has really messed me up.

But it really humbles me that I spent the smallest energy into the smallest bit of intentionality, and received something beautiful- old friends in my life again- in return.

The luminaries were table decorations at my grandparents' fiftieth anniversary party. If you look closely, you'll see 20 little hearts on each family tree on the glass. That was no accident- my grandma planned that shindig meticulously- 20 hearts for each member of our family.

I can't quite articulate why I chose this as my self-portrait object. Something about the layers of glass and ribbon and light. I'll have to chew on that.

Off to a start...good? Definately a start...

2010-01-17T16:47:00.005-05:00

Got rid of 4.8 Ft (cubed) today by spreading the last 3 (out of about 50) bales of pine straw we ordered over the summer. We fancied up out front garden beds, which had previously consisted of some nice shrubs we planted, lost among various weeds which we did not. We are sooo *that* house. We'd also thrown down a bunch in our side yard where grass won't grow. (But about 3 species of invasive vine, will...). The last three bales went under a cherry laurel tree in our back yard. I haven't had much time to do major soring and Goodwill-ing yet. There is a box slowly filling up, but so far the count is based on paper clutter.

Haiti

2010-01-15T11:57:00.003-05:00

A good friend, who is also an international development worker, has been most recently stationed in Haiti. She recommends the following organization for relief donations:

Partners in Health

She had remained in the States after the holidays, recuperating from a back injury.

As for the rest, I am speechless and feel horribly helpless. This morning I saw on Huffington Post that Americans have donated 8 million USD via cell phone donations. I am very, very proud.

730 in 365 Clutter Challenge

2010-01-12T22:36:00.003-05:00

Amy at 'Amy's Finer Things' is hosting, and I am jumping on board. (Annnd all these blog challenges will get me blogging again. Yayz.)

I'm tailoring it to my own specifications. I am a pretty spatially-motivated person. I guess having less stuff would make it easier to clean, but in full disclosure we don't really clean at all. I just last week accepted that we, as two otherwise competent adults, need a chore chart. But my biggest motivator is that I want to see empty space. It's why I love hotels so much. The rooms are just so...blank.

So, I am going with a spatial measurement for my challenge: 730 ft cubed in 365. I want to know how big of a space full of crap I'm eliminating.

And to fill this 730 ft (cubed) I'll pick through the following:

- Paper clutter is a big problem for us- me- so I'm counting 1) the basketfuls of paper we recycle 2) the bagfuls of paper we shred. I'm not counting other recycling because it's not a problem. The old beer bottles don't infilitrate all rooms of the house and find a way to be packed for every move. Also not counting basic household trash. I do have it in me to measure the cat litter, in the name of accuracy, so Imma go ahead and draw that line in the sand reeeaaall early.

- A few months ago we moved a bunch of my childhood stuff from Midwest State, doubling our junk rooms in the house. We have a spare bedroom (guest room) and an converted garage room (we'd like it to be a workout room) that are out of commission now becase they are full of mostly junk.

- We also have random items that are part of the renovations lying around. THose will count too, since once they are put in use they are still out of my breathing space.

Pantry Challenge

2010-01-12T19:00:00.002-05:00

I'm going to participate, in my own half-ass way, in the Pantry Challenge that MoneySavingMom and FishMama are hosting. My rule is that at least once a week, we'll use up some food item that has been lurking around. Such as:

- a few nights ago I made Veggie Sloppy Joes with some TVP we've been keeping in the cupboard. I can't remember when we bought it, so I'm sure it's time to be used up.
- I also made this recipe from Smitten Kitchen that used up a bag of dried red beans and some Jasmine rice. Both also with an unknown month of purchase.

Other items I want to make use of:
- a jar of mung beans that we bought for sprouting. We always lose steam and forget to rinse the sprouts, and they rot. if we stay on top of it, it's a good wintertime food source.
- lots of rice (brown and jasmine) and canned beans.
- quinoa. It's been around awhile. I might need more than 10 fingers to count how long.
- cranberries- 2 bags. I wanted to try my hand at canning this summer, but couldn't seem to act on it while the Farmer's Market was going. Act II= cranberry sauce!
- about 8 bags of rice flour. Bought on close-out back when I thought I had a gluten problem.
- 3 half-full cans of powdered cocoa. They disappear and we keep buying more.
- 1.5 bags of semi-sweet chocolate chips.
- 4-5 boxes of Red Mill cous-cous with flax seed. Bought on closeout.
- 2-3 cans of pumpkin.
- Several lbs of chicken in various forms in the fridge.

This isn't everything in the pantry, but it's all the stuff I'm tired of looking at.

HP Touch Smart Computer GIVEAWAY

2009-12-23T12:07:00.001-05:00

Go see Stephanie at Totally Together Reviews for entry details. Good luck!

Scientiae: ThereIsNoIinTeamButThereIs_M_E

2009-09-06T14:23:00.002-04:00

Attributed to my best friend, whispered during one of our track coaches' less effective pep talks.

"There is an M and an E in Team," may indeed be my style right now. Maybe the snark isn't quite so fitting, but it's a lot closer than being inspired.

I have been working on my research-based Master's since the fall of 2005. There are lots of perfectly good reasons why I haven't finished- field seasons, Booker's deployment, bouts of anxiety disorder, insomnia (MAJOR insomnia, like 3-4 hours a night for months in a row) and depression. Now I'm just outright embarrassed that it's taking so long. My personal life is mine to keep personal, much of it is things I wouldn't want to share with my advisor (I told him about some "health problems" that have now been straightened out) or committee, yet the past two years have strongly affected my performance. Uhh...where was I?

Yes, so now I am just desperate to finish and constantly trying to de-fang this whole thing. I totally hate my project and feel little to no passion for what I have been doing. A friend of mine once told me to go with that; instead of waiting to feel inspired, to just let yourself feel so pissed off that you want to be done. And I am. I really am. I'm also verrry self-involved and cranky. So this is how my "M and E in Team" is playing out:

1) I don't care about meeting the new grad students. Yes, you are nice people, I have been in your shoes before and will be again. But I don't care about you. I won't be here past December and I'm not interested in making new friends. Plus, they all come in starry-eyed and Pollyanningly say "Iiiiii won't be here forever. Iiiii am going to finish in two years." Whatever. Just you wait. This is an overwhelmingly fieldwork-based department; the average is 2.5-3 years, and those people who take longer are busting their asses just as much as you plan to.

2) I am working at *large retail chain* and trying to help support our little family. Therefore, I am not always available to go to the department seminar and do not appreciate snarky e-mails from program head that "only 12 of our 40 students came to the seminar." I consistently attended seminar for 3 years. Bite me.

3) Nor do I appreciate, upon telling people where I work, getting told, "Well, do what you have to." BTW, it tends to be faculty who do that. Are you that out of touch?? Some of us don't have tenure! My job gives its employees full benefits for working 20+ hours a week. Yes, health care for working 20 hours a week. I'd like to point out that as a TA, I didn't earn any social security credits, definately no 403(b) options, and the university fees and mandated health insurance cost us 1/3 of our stipend a year.

3) I am working at a job where I make $1 dollar more an hour than a job I had as a college freshman over 10 years ago. Except now I have 1.75 more degrees. Yes, I'm lucky to have a job of any kind, the economy, blah blah blah. It still stings when you have $60,000 in student loan debt.

4) Competitive lab mate does not want anyone to finish before her. The next time she tries to pry out exactly how far along I am in writing, I might very well turn around and fart in her face.

I think I'm going to enjoy my membership in Team M-E. Being the pissed off founding member has gotten me to finish a thesis chapter, which I had put on hold all summer. If inspiration is not your style, I highly recommend starting an M-E franchise!

Watch your fucking mouth!

2009-08-23T19:40:00.004-04:00

Ok. I work at a certain retail store. It's not important where. Most of my coworkers are late teens and early twenties. We had a meeting today to go over some things and clear the air (there's been lots of silly gossip.) One of the things that I brought up was that *people*- and I included myself because I have a filthy mouth (fuck, shit, that kind of thing) - need to watch what we say, that the store is mostly loud but does have sweet spots where customers can hear us. The specific example I used is how 'r-------' and 'g---' are thrown around. (Yeah, and I am SO not okay with that.)

The reaction was kind of lukewarm, as in general agreement that yes, we should watch what we say but we all know it's not meant to be anything bad, etc etc. I beg to differ. Those offensive examples I gave to everyone don't include the times I've heard a certain specific group of people referred to in a negative way- the most outlandish being "---- people smell bad." Or the times I've heard f--, NOT in reference to a British term for a cigarette and (thankfully) not in front of my homosexual coworker. I've noticed that there's some editing. When my xyz coworkers are not there, things are said about xyz people. When the pqr coworker is not there, things are said- "jokingly"- about pqr people. More than once something that has been tossed out in a sarcastic manner has left me absolutely speechless, jaw hanging open. I try to throw out a "I don't like that word," or "What do you mean?"

I don't know. I guess I need to vent in an anonymous way. Mostly I can't believe what people think it is okay to say in any context, let alone at work. And that the most effective way to stop it seems to be "oh, we don't want the customers to hear." Am I the only one who was taught not to do that? Whether or not anyone can hear you? Is it a generational thing? Is it a regional thing?

I don't know if I should/ should not have said anything. 1) I just want to collect a paycheck and keep my nose clean at work and be cool with all my coworkers. 2) Everyone pretty much knows where I stand on some things due to my standard "I don't like that word" response. Still, I kind of got the feeling of a sense of -we're-all-adults-and-we-can-say-what-we-want-and-people-shouldn't-be-so-sensitive. But when all the terms are put together, and especially when you hear what some people say when others are not there, it paints a really nasty picture.

Blargh.

I just think that what you say MATTERS.

Moving Forward

2009-05-31T22:42:00.002-04:00

Not sure it's best for me to blog after taking my Ambien. I written a little bit about the insomnia and depression with whom I've been coexisting. The biggest part of my moving on has been in using these prescriptions which I very badly needed. I got a therapist.I got a part-time job. I think my head will eventually get out of the clouds enough to come down to earth to finish writing my thesis. Booker is taking a kickboxing class for fun, so now we both have the energy to deal with the house issues before we try to sell it. We're in a pattern now where everything i contigenet on everything else, so it's hard to move ahead. When the insomnia was bad, I was only getting ~3 hours a night. I honestly thoutht I was losing my mind. I couldn't think, stuttered halfway through sentences, and constantly felt like I was on a roller coaster. It was that dippy fluttery feeling in your stomach, all day and all night over and over again. Both being able to sleep and feeling calm and confident during the day has put me right again. The porfessional progress is still slow, but I'm okay with that.

Booker

2009-05-18T21:07:00.002-04:00

Booker has just mocked his pseudonym, thusly earning an arm hair pull. He doesn't read this so I don't know why he cares.

Insomnia is Crazy-Making.

2009-05-18T15:05:00.007-04:00

(Photo from http://www.insomnias.info/3/3.htm)

I've had problems with insomnia for the past 5 years or so. It seems to go in cycles, which have been running closer together, and for longer periods. It became unbearable this past winter, but I think I now have it under control. I still don't know what causes it, although I can eliminate an immune response to gluten. I know that it is in part anxiety-driven, but not completely. The insomnia is on 2 levels- the first, that it takes forever to fall asleep, the second, that I don't stay asleep. once awake, my mind starts spinning. At its worst, I was getting 3 hours at night and unable to nap during the day. I know a lot of people struggle with insomnia, so the point of this post is to let you what I've tried- I for one am always looking for new things to try to get some rest.
Caveat: these are suggestions only! I'm not a doctor, etc etc.

- Bed Time routine- I kind of wanted to hit the people who suggested that. Really? Can you tell me which way my underwear faces, because without you I can't function! So yeah, I have a routine of turning lights off, reading magazines, no phone calls or computer, and calming down in general.

- Benadryl, Tylenol PM, etc- Don't make me laugh. These may have worked 5 years ago when this started, but they have no effect now. I've read that a tolerance can develop quickly, and they are not meant for long-term use anyway.

- Valerian Root- doesn't work for me, but I know people who swear by it.

- Catnip tea- doesn't work for me.

- Chamomile tea, SleepyTime tea- no dice.

- Melatonin- doesn't work (for me), and it's not great to take for anything more than an occasional night. I've read that it can cause a feedback loop wherein your body produces less; what you want is for your body to produce melatonin to regulate your circadian rhythm.

- Magnesium- the theory is that you need adequate magnesium to absorb calcium. It didn't make me feel sleepy, but it did relax me which is still helpful.

- Sunlamp- my husband has a therapeutic sunlamp. You're supposed to sit in front of it for at least 15 minutes in the morning; it triggers melatonin production. I don't know about sleepiness, but it did make me feel a lot more energetic first thing in the morning.

- Brain waves- Booker has some CD's that you are supposed to listen to with headphones. They re-set your brain waves for relaxation, concentration, sleepiness. They made me noticeably more relaxed, but at its worst sleep was still elusive.

- Tryptophan supplements- the amino acid in your Thanksgiving turkey makes you sleepy. It actually helped once in a while.

Ok, time to get serious. I saw the doc for:
- Trazadone. I took this for over a year, during Booker's deployment. It worked, until it didn't. I went off and was sleeping okay- not great, but sleeping- until a new insomnia cycle started this January.

- Seroquel- I only took this for 2 weeks. It knocked me out but I didn't like the way it made me feel.

- Gluten intolerance- got a blood test to check for an immune response, which I don't seem to have. Have not yet investigated any other food sensitivities.

- Ambien CR- worked great the first week. Then not so well, then not hardly but still better than taking nothing. It had only been a month when I called about switching. The nurse told me that it is the strongest thing on the market, so if Ambien doesn't work, nothing will. Cheery.

- Sleep study- Apparently I have mild sleep apnea, but not enough episodes to warrant the mask. Doc told me to sleep on my side, which is something I intuitively do anyway. Nothing else was really revealed. When I asked him what I could do to sleep, he told me to keep taking the Ambien CR and to have a bedtime routine (see the first bullet.) Seriously dude? This was after I waited 2 hours in an empty waiting room, because "the doctor isn't in today, but he's on his way in now." Um, I drove an hour and a half to be here for a 1:30 appointment, for which you did not have the courtesy to consider until I've been here 2 hours?

This last insomnia cycle took about 4 months to get stabilized. I am still deeply interested in finding out what causes it- if it's anxiety-based (I believe in part, but not entirely), if it's partly physiological (not confident I got rid of the tapeworm, maybe food sensitivities?), or what. But for now:

- I take an anti-anxiety medication in the morning. This issue is both separate from and part of the insomnia. It helps, to an amazing degree.

- I take Ambien CR at night. It seems to work better now that I'm taking the other med. I still wake up a lot at night, but now I am able to fall back asleep whereas before I'd just spin my wheels. For hours.

- Climbing out of the hole means I have the energy and drive to take on positive habits that had fallen by the wayside. Exercise, cleaning the house so it's not a pit, taking general better care of myself so I have pride in my appearance, cooking meals for us, hanging out with people for fun, etc etc. All of these go into sleeping better at night, and I was not capable of any of them until I could even things out a bit.

- No alcohol, at all, ever. I don't metabolize it very well on a good day. It actually makes the insomnia worse- something about the sugar or preservatives. Now that I have some prescriptions I just don't want to mess with it at all.

- Continue to limit caffeine, which I have done from Day 1. Unfortunately it is a vicious cycle- the less you sleep, the more you need something to face your day.

If you have insomnia, I feel your pain. Maybe something I have tried might work for you.

On the Rejection letter

2009-05-14T15:35:00.003-04:00

Of all the snippets I've heard in the past year of this person and that person applying to a PhD program, virtually no one has been accepted. The only success story I've heard recently is a friend getting into vet school. At least there's some solidarity but man, it's a bad year. Does anyone see any evidence that 2010 will improve, in terms of funding in academia?

RBOStuff

2009-05-12T10:28:00.002-04:00

- I do not blog enough. I will now blog more.
- I agreed to a petition-gathering project. I wish I had not. Soliciting, even for cause I believe in, is sooo not my thing. And this project has a quota. My town is dead right now, and I have major doubts about being able to gather signatures.
- I am going to my girlfriends wedding (Hi AJH!) in Boston in less than 2 weeks! I am so excited! 1), She and her fiance have been through the fire together. I know that she is committing to someone who can really be a rock for her. And vice versa. 2), I am in dire need of some girlfriend time. I have girlfriends in Grad School Town, but somehow all we ever talk about is research and academia. I am looking forward to going out on the town in Boston.

Time Capsule

2009-04-30T22:07:00.002-04:00

I'd rather forget these past few months, and make 2009 an eight month year.
My time capsule would contain:

- A pillow, to mock me. The insomnia had become so severe that I was only getting 3-4 hours every single night. Everything I could try without insurance had no effect (Seriously? Telling a major insomniac to drink camomile tea or take some Benadryl-I might hurt you.) Eventually insurance kicks in and I get a presecription for the strongest thing on the market. Which works less and less well every night.

-A butterfly net to catch the butterflies in my stomach. They are whipped into a frenzy all day, every day, all night if I couldn't sleep. Being so wired for so long with no respite made me feel like I couldn't take that anymore.

-A box of Kleenex for all the days my husband came home from work to find me in tears, for reasons unknown.

- A counseling book for the time I told him, "Why would you stay with me?"

- A pharmacy bottle contating the "better living through Chemistry" that has finally helped me get on my feet again.

And so there will be happy memories in the time capsule- a draft of my thesis, done by late spring and defended by summers end.

Rejected

2009-03-07T09:12:00.004-05:00

Well, I didn't get into a program for next year. I applied to 4 schools, but when it came down to it, only 2 were viable. The other 3 PI's I discovered late in the game, over the holiday break, and applied in the hope that they would be taking students. None of the 3 were, although they did give me some positive feedback. Which I will have to print out and refer to over the next few days while I nurse my wounds. Viable school #1 rejected me straight out a few weeks ago. It wasn't a surprise because I wasn't a very good fit for the program, and not even sure I really wanted to go there anymore. Viable school #2 stung though. I got the letter yesterday and I'd really been hoping to get in. The letter had language like "final review" (ok, at least I made it to the last cut), "unusually low funding," and "unable to admit all worthy candidates."

I think my GRE scores might have done it. My math scores were low. Still, it's very frustrating. Professionally, I did everything right. High GPA. Grants. Scholarships. Publications. Presentations. International experience. Research-based thesis. Well, sunofabich. It doesn't matter what you have going for you if you have one thing going against you.

So, we'll stay somewhat where we are. We're lucky, *very lucky*, because Booker has a nice stable job. In fact, starting school next year would have meant living apart again, in different states, for at least a semester because of his work commitments. It hasn't even been a year since his deployment ended, and that was a 15-month stint. We were both concerned about another separation, so soon. This way, we'll have a whole year of everything being NORMAL. No deployment/ Army/ Wedding planning/ Moving (well, we'll have to sell this house [eek] and move, but just the one move. Then we are renting.)No crazy field work. No grad school stress and schedules. Just some time to work and hang out and pay off some of these bills. In the end, we'll probably be glad it went down like this. I'll get those GRE scores up, defend and try to publish from my Masters, run the side project I wanted to do a year ago, and try again for fall 2010.

But rejection does suck, and I'm trying not to give in to those thoughts like: "Well, maybe you won't get in next year either and will have to give up," or "This pushes back your timeline and soon you will be too old to have a baby!" That one is particularly silly because I'm only 30. It's something to think about, but one more years' delay won't make it impossible. (Because I was hoping to work abroad in tropical ecosystems, this event was still 2-3 years off, with the idea that we'd crank a kid out as soon as I finish my research.)

Oh wells. Interwebs, I'd be happy to hear your tales of rejection, in solidarity.

Soldier portraits

2009-02-15T14:48:00.001-05:00

Please check this out.

Please.

www.soldierportraits.com

For M.F.M.

2009-01-06T12:48:00.004-05:00

M.F.M. was a really amazing, beautiful person. I went to high school with her. We weren't friends, but she was one of those people who made you feel like you were, because she was interested in everybody, genuine, funny and kind. She fought cancer for 5+ years, and on Saturday, she found rest. She chronicles her experience here:
www.fortscancersux@blogspot.com.

My condolences go out to her family and friends.

Effin', Fricken', Fracken', Focken'

2009-01-02T11:08:00.003-05:00

So, I'm in the midst of turning in PhD applications (1 to go!) I did eventually find the delayed letter-writer, after calling him at home. Three times. Seriously, if you don't want to, then say no when I ask you, M'kay? But this individual is sort of notorious for the forgetting of the deadlines, and I didn't have much wiggle room since it is the person I have worked with most closely in this degree. But, all's well there.

Now for the next drama. One school had a Jan.1 deadline for their online application. So I sit down yesterday, Jan. 1, and the system will not allow me to select a term for which I am applying. In fact, there are no terms listed at all. The paragraph below the empty term box says that if no term is listed, then the deadline has passed. "But that deadline has not passed" says I, "The deadline is today." Tech support can only offer to contact the program department. No one is there, of course, because it's a big holiday. (Big shout-out to all you schools with deadlines on a holiday. Can't type what I'm actually shouting, though.)

The online application system will not let me submit my application without a selected term. I printed it and faxed it to the contact in the program office. I called that office and the office of admissions (voicemail.) I sent an e-mail to the program contact, along with screen captures showing the date and time and exact malufunction of the online system. And I berated myself over and over for not seeing this coming. I had hoped to be able to talk to someone today, but it seems like eveyone is out until Monday.

My big fear, is that they won't accept my application. I am totally biased, but that doesn't seem fair. At no point does anything say 'due at midnight on the 31st' or 'due by 8am Jan. 1st,' or 'can't access the system after the 31st' or anything. It just says the ambiguous 'deadline Jan. 1.' Subjectively, I probably should not have waited til the last day. Which Booker pointed out. Verrrrrrrrry carefully pointed out. I wasn't really receptive to constructive criticism:) But, deadlines are not subjective. Deadlines are objective and objectively, I ought to have been able to submit it online on Jan. 1.

Thoughts, Internet?

Dear future Dr. Self,

2008-12-30T14:23:00.003-05:00

Remember that when people ask you for recommendation letters, they are asking you to advocate for them during a process in which they are extremely invested. Therefore, when your grad student asks you to write recommendation letters for her PhD applications, 6 weeks in advance, then reminds you and sends you e-mails and a Facebook message and also the online links to the applications, you will do her the common courtesy of a response. This will be important, especially if you have flaked out on her letters twice before, costing her a grant and an internship. No, Dr. Self, you will not put anyone through this the day before their applications are due. You will promptly send in recommendation letters, or in the very least, let all implicated parties know that really, you're on it, even if you are intending on submitting them at 11:58 pm the day they are due.

InaDWriMo

2008-11-11T16:41:00.002-05:00

Well, since I didn't actually set goals until Nov. 11th it's evident that my progress is....well, is not. The goal is to get halfway through the V#$^ meter at right, and all the way through the 21 hours of GRE study time. Hopefully this round will go better than the last. This is my last chance to take it (all the Nov. dates were taken, drag. December 3rd) before my PhD apps are due, and actually it's kind of pushing it that the new, improved scores will make it in time. I guess I didn't consider that all the November dates would be taken. Meh.

Booker turned 30 on Saturday and has now caught up with his sexy older wife. We celebrated by using wedding gift money to buy a DSLR camera. And on this Veteran's Day, he has only 8 days left in active duty.

October 10th, 2008

2008-10-20T20:38:00.001-04:00

Re-use

2008-08-06T17:31:00.003-04:00

I just discovered that our local food bank accepts magazines. I'm pleased to have found a second home for my 3 years + supply that I couldn't bring myself to recycle. Still so readable!

For awhile my Mom was saving her shower warm-up water to flush her toilet. It was as simple as putting a bucket in the tub, and it only was really enough for 1-2 toilet flushes a day. She got her water bill from that month and it was fully HALF of the normal, even with 2 extra people in the house for that week Booker and I were visiting. Dang! Gonna get me a bucket.

Transitions

2008-07-29T23:00:00.001-04:00

On what was...

I lived in a very foreign place for 2 1/2 years. I lived there, I did not visit or pass through. I had a house and pets. I had work and friends. I grieved the deaths of two family members in this far-away home. I got sick, and recovered, and got sick, and recovered. My favorite time of year was the Harmattan. I discovered an allergy to mango peel. I saw the beauty and elegance of voodoo, real voodoo, not a Hollywood cartoon which vilifies animism. I built a life for myself. It was very hard to do. And then I came back, back "home." Home in Easyland, home to all the privileges America offers her prodigals.

And I lost everything about that life I'd built. I know that it was my choice. I know that many people lose everything, and they are powerless. Let me be very clear in saying that I am not comparing my grief to theirs.

But I did grieve, and I still do, 4 years later. Nothing is left. I don't know how to explain how different it really was. I knew about the big things- the language, the other language, the weather, the climate, the living conditions. But it was everything else, the sand in the cracks, which made it so hard. If I was talking to you in a room, sure, I'd know this: the items in the room are different. We are not speaking English. We do not look the same. But I never thought of everything else. The clothes I'd wear. The way I'd sit. Whether or not I would make eye contact. How it feels the whole time.

I couldn't bring any of it back with me. I left it all behind. I send letters. I don't know if anyone reads them. The postage for a letter from there to here- well, it just isn't practical. Too much to ask, really. I called once, about 3 years ago. It took several phone calls, and letters moto-taxied 7 km away, to arrange. They were to get a phone in my village, so maybe they have one now. Probably not.

One of the worst things is that my life there has become the conditional tense. "I would eat igname pile with Papa every night....I would visit Philomene at the petrol station." A series of anecdotes.

So I came back. I moved to DC with other people who had lived in the same far-off land. We had parties where we made igname pile. We spoke French. We temped and complained. We plotted ways to leave Easyland. Grateful bunch, eh? I flirted with promiscuity. I started grad school. Time moved on and it was easier to be around people. I didn't feel as awkward and I figured out what to do with my arms. I built a life here, again. It took me a long time to realize how sad this transition was for me. Everyone acted like I was supposed to be happy because I had plumbing again. It's still sad for me. I don't even know if Papa is still with us. Did you know he was a WWII vet? He survived a Nazi camp. Did you know that many African WWII vets never received their rightful pensions? I wish I could talk to Philomene.

But that's the thing about moving on. If I'm still a little sad, it's because my life there is still real to me. Turns out, that's the only thing that survived the move. So I would never, ever, give that grief up.

On what is...

I came to grad school expecting to be single for a good long time. Forever, really. It had been such a long dry spell (four years) that I accepted it. A lot of the time, I enjoyed it. So of course (you know what's coming) I met Booker, and within a year and some change we'd gone to the courthouse and I was a real true Army Wife. I hear the first year of marriage is hard because you have to adjust how you do things. It was really easy; I did everything however I wanted because he was in Iraq. When he left we thought it was for 9-10 months, no more than a year. His brigade was extended to 15 months. Sometimes I picked a phone-fight with him just so we'd have something to talk about. For awhile the Sears commercials made me cry, especially the one where the girl loves clothes and is going to a public school, so the mom buys her a new wardrobe. Sometimes I used coping skills I'd already developed, like knowing when I needed company and when I needed to be left the fuck alone. Coming home from far-away place taught me that. I couldn't sleep for weeks at a time, so a doctor helped me out with a prescription sleep aid. I guess new challenges call for new coping skills.

He came home. Sometimes we bicker. For awhile there we forgot how to talk to each other in person. He gets out in 3 months. Three and a half, actually. We're pretty sure he won't be called up again. He has 3 years of inactive duty after this. We're waiting 3 years to have kids. We're watching the election very, very carefully.

We bought a house before he left, and in our property virgin naivete we gutted it. Now we are faced with finishing what we started. In a lot of ways, actually. I finished my research and am slated to defend this fall. We are having a wedding in October. I am to apply to PhD programs. He is to look for a post-Army career. We must finish the house, then sell it. We will move to...?

I'm afraid this will be too much for me. The defense may get pushed back in lieu of sanity. The transition is ongoing. More to come?
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Thanks for seeing through what turned out to be an incredibly self-indulgent post.
scientiae-carnival.

Purpose and Consequence

2008-07-29T08:39:00.002-04:00

This morning I'm listening to the Bob & Sheri show (www.bobandsheri.com) per routine. I never thought I'd be into a morning radio show enought to listen every day but it's witty, engaging, and plenty snarky to match my a.m. mood. Anyway, the topic for the day is Your. Purpose. There's the volunteer firefighter. The middle school art teacher. The Army officer. The Dad who is scapegoated by his kids. The woman who must learn to care for herself. That one smacked of therapy-talk. Don't get me wrong, I love me some therapy, and have been in far too much of it to ever judge. But I don't like the therapy-lingo coming out of non-therapists' mouths. I also don't like gum.

But.What.Is.My.Purpose. I don't know, and I'm okay with that. If you know, good for you. I hope you also know that you are lucky. I think for most of us, it changes with the phases of our lives. At any moment, we are probably fulfilling the grand purpose for our 80+ years in incremental ways. I hope that when my pulse falls that the amalgamation of my efforts will at least have a neutral impact.

So far, my purpose has involved writing, tree-hugging, listening, observing. A theme has been wanting to use writing to make realities clear to those who may not be experiencing those realities. I linked biology and journalism because I think science needs to be made more accessible to non-scientists.

But something I've been struggling with is how to express both my own experience in the Peace Corps (I served in Benin for 2.5 years), and the reality of how people must live in developing nations. At least, the reality that my limited understanding and privileged position could grasp. I do not want to contribute to the many stereotypes about Africa. When we dismiss an entire continent as Disease/War, we are guilty of a certain kind of bigotry. Ask yourself this: what role do we as Americans play in the problems of other nations? After my experience it became very clear to me that our hedonistic lifestyle is responsible for the poverty of much of the rest of the world. I'm sorry if that upsets you, makes you feel judged, or infringes on your belief that God gave America the thumbs up to be an asshat to the rest of the world. Reality is a mean, ugly warthog. What are we going to do about it? How do I express some of these realities without giving in to platitudes and stereotypes?

What is your purpose?
PS: Dr. Free-Ride talks about the implications of good-intentions here.

On looking the other way...?

2008-07-17T21:39:00.003-04:00

My students had a very simple written assignment. They were to write a proposal for a scientific expeiment. They were to use published literature to justify the hypothesis, but the experimental question and design was to be a unique creation. In grading these (which amounted to 3 pages or less), it has become apparent to me that what about a third of them did was look up a published experiment, paraphrase, and pass it off as the original idea. I have no interest in wasting my time looking up all their sources and vainly trying to prove the academic dishonesty, only to be countered with some kind of drivel on misunderstanding the assignment or however else they justify cheating. (My two cheaters last semester, boyfriend and girlfriend who turned in word for word the same lab report, said it was because they worked together. No shit Sherlock, you sure as hell worked together.) Usually these papers are crappy in their own merits so none of them are getting by with an A on the assignment.
Maybe I'm selling out. Probably. Another post coming on the overwhelmed-ness, and the justifications for selling out. I have them, I do. My students? As my friend M. says,

"That's her chicken to fuck."

(or his.)

Shreddit

2008-06-20T08:52:00.002-04:00

We took down the Iraq maps the other day. I'd kept them on the wall while hus-biance (hereafter referred to as Booker, for his love of reading and thinking and arguing all sides of an issue.) was gone. We had no interest in saving them and it felt really good to run them through the shredder.

Born Into Brothels

2008-05-12T11:26:00.000-04:00

Catching Up

2008-05-10T18:53:00.004-04:00

I guess that's about it.
The biggest news is that hus-biance came home in late March. Even as we get to know each other again and plan for the future, we're keeping one rightly suspicious eye on the possibility of stop-loss. (Hmm. I guess we are each keeping an eye on that, for an n=2 eyes, but not 2 eyes from the same head.) Stop-loss is when you are supposed to get out, you've fulfilled your contract, but oops! Uncle Sam does have enough people to deploy and ~~fight for oil~~ aherm, establish Iraqi freedom (sectarian violence and insurgents of all stripes. They must feel so very free.)...uh, where was I? Okay, stop-loss is when you are supposed to get out but they make you stay in, then they ship you off to Iraq or Afghanistan for another year. It's the back-door draft Kerry was talking about. Yeah, he was right about it then and it continues to this day. Of added concern is that hus-iance is of medium rank, which is the void the Army needs to fill. (What, you don't want to re-enlist after 2-3 tours?)

In 10 days we leave for our Midwest ~~oddyessy~~ soujourn to visit both of our families. I am dreading this for several reasons:
- For leg 1, we will be staying with his parents. In their house. For 24 hours a day. I sooooooo don't want to do this, for reasons I won't entirely go into in this forum but also? Isn't it always awkward to stay with your in-laws? Especially if they may try to convert you?
- Leg 2 will be my family, and for all I know he may have the same concerns about staying with his in-laws. Except you can tell my family no.
- I have to be at the second destination for a full week, for a wedding and my sister's graduation. This means that...
- By the time I get home (he may have to fly home ahead of me), I will have been gone for just about a full 3 weeks. This will seriously derail my work progress (see sidebar.) I really heavily on momentum, which I now have and will have start from scratch after 3 weeks. My field season will be over but my raw data is a wild pony to tame. Actually, it requires much more monotony...my raw data is a hearty fungus to tame. It doesn't go anywhere, and yet it multiplies and multiplies such that the colony itself EXPANDS. Such data-whispering will take 3-4 weeks at least, which puts me into July before I start any actual analysis. I'm trying to finish in the fall, and I just don't like the way this timeline is shaping up. I can bring some of the wild fungus with me, but lets face it, that never works. I'm just way to high-strung about my work space, plus having really poor concentration, to mess with it.
- That was a digression.
- Finally, this will be my 4th trip to the hometown in 12 months. I can't afford so much running around, both financially and for the negative effects on my progression. To be fair, one of those trips was reversed. My Mom and sister were coming here until about a week before they bailed. To make up for it, Mom paid for my flight to go there. That was nice. However, because it was last minute, the school year and my teaching responsibilities were starting and I could only get away for 2.5 days. Hardly the best use of that airfare. Another trip was a family emergency. I do not in any way regret this trip. It was absolutely the only way to do things. And hopefully it will be the last time I buy a ticket 2.5 hours before the plane takes off.

So, the catching up has been on a very personal level, work level, and pretty soon the family level. Oh, and planning the wedding!

This last part is to remind me later of some posts I have planned:
-Police Officers Memorial week
-Violence in Entertainment
-Jealousy in the workplace
- In-laws: why they are not immediately your family and it shouldn't be forced!

International Women's Day

2008-03-12T08:50:00.002-04:00

...was March 8th. I celebrated by inviting people over for food and the movie 'Iron-Jawed Angels,' a true-story dramatization of efforts of activists Alice Paul and Lucy Burns. As someone born in the late 70's, it's painful to imagine an American society where women were so blatantly marginalized. Films like this are important for women and men to watch. The preview below is decent, but kind of...I don't know, frothy? The movie itself is intense and illuminating.

This may be gross to the uninitiated

2008-03-06T15:57:00.003-05:00

Any parasitologists out there?

I had a disappointing doctors visit today. We didn't find what we were looking for, something that may or may not still be present. I was hoping we would find clear evidence, making it easy to treat.
(A) organism + (B) medication= (C)elebrating life without an intestinal parasite.

For those who don't know me personally, or from whom I've had enough tact to withhold this detail, allow me to put it this way:

I finally unpacked my last souvenir from my years abroad.
Unpacked it from my butt!

(Cue laughtrack.)

There was a worm. I saw it. And then I flushed it. So now the question is: is it gone? I keep turning in samples that come back negative. I have taken some medication, but it may not have been a strong enough dose to kill ....it. The only way to be certain is to, um, eliminate the organism (ga, enough with the vagueness- it was a tapeworm. A fricking tapeworm.)...where was I? Eliminate the scolex or head, which is how those guys latch on to intestines.

That hasn't happened yet so I just don't have confidence. This is quite understandable, considering I played host for at least 3 years before I was clued in. There's no way to tell if the medication was strong enough without properly diagnosing the species of tapeworm. And yet nothing shows up in the samples. My doctor suggested that the earlier medications may have been effective, killed it, and then my body absorbed it/ it disintegrated pre-elimination. Yet, some possible symptoms persist: lethargy, skin problems, digestive issues.

At what point do I give up and pursue other possibilities for my symptoms? Or do I keep pushing and look for a third opinion? I WANT TO BE SURE THAT IT IS GONE.

Has anyone out there ever dealt with this issue?

Yes, we can

2008-02-05T11:14:00.000-05:00

I have various and sundry items in the posterior receptacle.

2008-01-23T12:57:00.001-05:00

Or, as one of my students so helpfully noted, "they had junk in the trunk."

Yessiree, it's that time of year! Fall student evaluations have been processed and handed back to the instructors. There's always a gem or five in the batch. My first semester teaching, unstable problem student said I was "the most miserable person alive." Yes, the evaluations are completely anonymous, and typed by a third party so teachers can't identify handwriting, handed back after grades are in, the whole shebang. But, only unstable problem student (who ended the semester by standing in my office doorway screaming at me) would say something like that. The other gems from that semester were the pair who said I should "get a personality and stop talking like Ben Stein." I'm sorry, precious little snowflakes, that I failed to make cell division and osmosis *sparkle and gleam* to your stringent standards.

Anyway, this semester on the whole I was pleased with the feedback I received. A fair number of my students thought that I was enthusiastic, well-prepared, and approachable. In each of my four sections the students who began the course as 'having no interest in the subject at all,' had at least upgraded to 'have a minor interest in the subject.' I attribute this to Super David Attenborough, who was in several of the YouTube videos I showed the class. "Yes, mitosis may not be exciting, but you haven't seen strangler figs! Rapid cell division and growth, yeah baby yeah!'

But of course, when dealing with young adults of variable maturity, there must be one gem, one precious, glittering emerald, one pinnacle of character who must say, when asked if the course or instructor could be improved:

"They had junk in the trunk."

Pronoun issues aside, I must point out that if these evals were not anonymous, we'd undoubtedly discover this person had handily earned a D or F.

Mostly it's funny, but the part that makes me mad, (aside from them not paying homage to my glorious rack:)), is that a comment like that, reducing me to my fabulous ass, would never show up on the evals of my male colleuagues.

Here we go, always with the too much of the information

2008-01-18T11:45:00.000-05:00

I may have just created negative consequence for myself. For the past 2 summers, I have taught a summer intensive as part of an enrichment program for high school students. It's only a month long and classes are in the am, so it fits in well with other activities. Until this summer, possibly. For reasons unknown this morning I was trying to figure out my summer employment. I'd like to request a teaching assistantship in my department for this summer. I have seniority and am trying to finish up my thesis, which are usually the requirements to get this position. Unfortunately, the term which I would request overlaps with the last week of the high school program. I talked to my boss who oversees the labs and TA's to find out the requirements. Turns out, with the sections on the schedule right now, I would have one morning class so no, I could not do both.

Thing is, I could have just asked about the scheduling and teaching load, and have all the information I need. But, me being me, I had to go and explain and explicitly state that I would be trying to do both. I have a pretty good rapport with my boss and don't entirely think this would go against me. And it might not. But then she asked if I had to pick, which one would I pick, and when I honestly answered that it depended on money...

then I remembered, too late, that that could be used against me. A lot of people request a summer TA and they might not want to give one to someone who is enetertaining other options. And I think employers don't like to think of their employees working other jobs because of the possibility of shoddy work. At least I knew enough to point out that I wanted to teach at high school program because I already have all the lesson plans and it would be easy. I know I could easily handle both; the overlap is only for a week.

Another grad student in the department lost funding last fall for being too honest. She told the chair that she was interviewing for outside jobs, and he used that as a reason- "due to your job prospects"- to give her TA to a new incoming student. Is this the same kind of thing? I guess one difference is that this is so far in advance. It's not even time to request TA's yet, so I can still request a TA and make it clear that that it is my preference. And, there's a chance they will add sections, which would make it possible for me to do both because I maybe wouldn't have that one am class to teach on the lab side. And, the other grad student in mention had also dropped some balls the previous year, so there might have been another logic at hand.

Still, I could have avoided all the worry if I had just answered "Oh, of course I would rather work here..." Which, actually is true.

2008-01-14T13:12:00.000-05:00

Back to it

2008-01-13T12:50:00.000-05:00

I can tell it's almost time to face my work again by the condition of my teeth. I have been grinding at night and clenching during the day. It hurts to pass any food or liquid over the right side of my mouth, and my unstable tooth near the front is a little loose again. (Yeah, I'm almost 30 and I have a loose tooth. It's the result of an accident about 4 years ago during my Peace Corps service. The impressive part is that it hasn't fallen out yet.)

Tangent: It is very hard to get used to in-laws.
*Edited*

One of my committee members asked how my research is going by saying, "I haven't heard anything since the meeting...gosh, that was a long time ago." Crap. I don't think she was saying it in a pointed way, because she is not an asshole. More of a "oh yeah, that was a long time ago," than a "that was a long time ago and why the hell don't you have your shit together?" Still, I spent some time stressing over the second possibility, that my committee all thinks I am a massive failure and waste of time and will never, ever, pass me on this degree. Clearly, if that is what I am thinking then that is the reality, yes? More tooth-grinding. The unstable tooth is now wiggly when I swallow. I chatted with her a bit about my field seasons last spring and fall, and my intention to pull together some graphs for the committee before the spring field season. (See sidebar on Dec-Jan to-do list. Note that that task is not crossed off because I spent my break watching 'The Office' on Netflix on-demand.) She was quick to add that we don't need to have another committee meeting - I guess no one enjoys those- but that we should just meet over it individually. I've mostly calmed down but am still spending ~~5 15~~ 50 minutes here and there thinking about my not-having-shit-together-ed-ness.

WTF?!? Wednesday

2008-01-02T17:39:00.000-05:00

Welcome to a new feature here at MTPS. I'm trying to focus a little less on negativity in 2008, but I'm also mindful that sometimes you need to get pissed off to get things done. One of my grad colleagues reminded me of this last summer. I was whining to him about how I just don't like my project anymore, was losing the battle against lazy, and was generally uninspired. And I had split ends and new acne, on which he didn't have much comment. But for the other stuff...he told me a story about almost losing a key-Friday-Night-Lights-football game in high school. His coach told them to play with hate in their hearts, not so much for the other team but for their own lackluster performance. They went on to win the game, and he gave me the same advice. Don't wait for inspiration, just get pissed enough to get shit done.
So WTF Wednesday will spotlight issues which are important to me, and which might be important to you to. Our inaugural story:

Calif. sues EPA over greenhouse gas rules By SAMANTHA YOUNG, Associated Press Writer
SACRAMENTO, Calif. - California sued the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency on Wednesday for denying its first-in-the-nation greenhouse gas limits on cars, trucks and SUVs, challenging the Bush administration's conclusion that states have no business setting emission standards.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't federal non-interference one of the core tenets of the Republican Party? This is hardly surprising, given this administrations' approach to our tiny blue dot. Equally predictable yet disappointing is that neither my birth state nor my current state are among those who have or plan to enact stringent statewide standards. The only justification for the EPA's decision would be to discourage states from enacting legislation which would set lax emissions standards. However, the proposed California legislation actually bests the federal guide.

WTF?!?

Proposed Action: Write letters to representatives of implicated states (and resident state) expressing support for emissions legislation, as well as for challenging an EPA decision which is to the detriment of our global community. Spread the word.

2008

2008-01-01T09:40:00.000-05:00

We must be better than what we have become.
Narrated by Carl Sagan; found on Getting Things Done in Academia.

An extended essay

2007-12-15T10:51:00.000-05:00

Studying

2007-12-10T19:32:00.000-05:00

Lost?

2007-12-04T18:28:00.001-05:00

For about 5 minutes Sunday night I thought I had lost all of my data from the last field season. This was particularly bowel-twisting given that I thought I'd lost it both from its original home and the back-up CD. There was cursing, there was crying, and even though it was found in the end, it was real enough that it took me a good 2 hours to fully calm down. I just kept seeing my committee, and tried to think of some plausible reason for having nothing from that time period. Like I said, humiliation is a very strong motivator.

To re-assure myself, today I saved the data to the lab computer. There can not possibly be too many ways or places to save this! There is also a copy under my mattress. It is lumpy.

New

2007-12-02T10:36:00.000-05:00

This is my first personal blog, and as I write this I'm not even sure I want to let people know of its existence. Which would be the whole point, wouldn't it? Anyway, my motivation is to have something to work my thoughts out in the hopes that I will be more productive at my full-time job, a MS student who will be applying to PhD programs within the year. Other major life stressors are also upcoming in the next 12 months: fianc-band coming home from second tour in Iraq, continuing renovations on house, afore-mentioned applications, last field season and writing thesis, putting house on market and selling it quickly, figuring out where to live assuming I get into a school...oh yeah, and we're getting married. The only major life stressors not on this list are illness (Thank God) and kids. So I'm making damn sure to take my vitamins and my BC pills.

This may consist chiefly of political rants and to-do lists. The first because I am a liberal pagan living in the uber-Christian, conservative Deep South. The second because my advisor, though having many positive qualities, tends to be rather hands-off and I myself tend to have motivation issues. Sometimes the only way I get things done is via fear of humiliation or a talking-to from a superior. So when I blog about my work, it makes me accountable and should give me the kick in the ass I need.

Another reason for starting this is that I'm not able to cuss on our family blogs, and that fucking sucks.

More than a Permanent Student

February (et al) Declutter Update

How I Went Off Sleeping Pills

Blogroll

Where I Am Now

Declutter Challenge

January Pantry Challenge

Me Ra Koh & SOAR! Community

Blogroll Update

Off to a start...good? Definately a start...

Haiti

730 in 365 Clutter Challenge

Pantry Challenge

HP Touch Smart Computer GIVEAWAY

Scientiae: ThereIsNoIinTeamButThereIs_M_E

Watch your fucking mouth!

Moving Forward

Blogroll

Blogroll

Booker

Insomnia is Crazy-Making.

On the Rejection letter

RBOStuff

Time Capsule

Rejected

Soldier portraits

For M.F.M.

Effin', Fricken', Fracken', Focken'

Dear future Dr. Self,

InaDWriMo

October 10th, 2008

Re-use

Transitions

Purpose and Consequence

On looking the other way...?

Shreddit

Born Into Brothels

Catching Up

International Women's Day

This may be gross to the uninitiated

Yes, we can

I have various and sundry items in the posterior receptacle.

Here we go, always with the too much of the information

Back to it

WTF?!? Wednesday

2008

An extended essay

Studying

Lost?

New