Where I Am Now

The February business assignment on the Soarority forum focuses on a current-state inventory for those starting photography businesses. I'm applying the same principle to my own stalled academic career.


Talents & Skills: Improved whazoo skills, a surprising interest in zoowhazz, GIS mapping, better at experimental design (although that is a constantly evolving skill), solid writing skills, Speak French, able to live in rustic, low-to-no-amenity environments (pit latrine. 2.5 years), grant-writing, classoom management/ lesson-planning/ instructional skills; trained in community develoment and have conducted start to finish projects on that end, once in awhile I can come up with an idea and a half-plan on how to do some cool SCIENCE!

Money ...Received some grants for my MS research which I am currently writing-up...also received a travel grant to attend a national conferece and present a poster on my work. Had received teaching assistantships for several semesters. Currently employed full-time in my home department; hoping that will last. (We're in a state that is proposing murderous budget cuts, so a lay-off is always a possbility.) Now I need to finish the second half of my thesis and defend. I'll also need to present my final results at a conference for one of my granting agencies. We're okay on money right now- okay meaning we make all of our minimum payments with a very small margin at months' end. The best thing I can do to help us with money is have my Master's in hand.


People- Booker. Two women who have invested a lot of time in mentoring me and listening to my whining and anxiety. Lots of friends who are in academia and understand the challenges. Lots of friends who are not in academia to remind me that there are other things to work towards in life. My advisor is pretty good, although distinctly slow in returning drafts. And often a no-show or reschedules meetings. I feel pretty good about my committee members- they are nice people who give constructive criticism---not really worried about one of them going apeshit on me in the defense. Above all else, they are *fair*.

Systems- Ummm....well, my laptop has Microsoft XP, as does Booker's. Both are ancient and of low-to-medium performance, but we're making them work for us. I have the BioStats program our Dept. uses. Access to computers on campus with ARC-GIS software. Hours and hours of whazoo recordings and a pretty kickin' zoowhazz collection. External hard-drive.

Agreements- I have a contract with myself to finish this degree, or lose my self-respect forever.

Mission impact- there's a gap in the literature which my results would fill quite nicely. This topic was hot 25 years ago, then folks moved on. Not because it was irrelevant, but few were looking at any specific components to this ecological issue. When it was all in generalities, the community couldn't really come to any conclusions. My hope is that my research provides hard data for a very tiny component of the larger issue, which can be used to bolster up declining whazoo populations. Long-term, my committment is to research and sustainability, however those come about. My first preference is a career in academia because I want the freedom to conduct my own research, I like teaching, and I want to start a non-profit working with my former village in far-away place. Life as a professor would support all those goals.

HP Touch Smart Computer GIVEAWAY

Go see Stephanie at Totally Together Reviews for entry details. Good luck!

Scientiae: ThereIsNoIinTeamButThereIs_M_E

Attributed to my best friend, whispered during one of our track coaches' less effective pep talks.

"There is an M and an E in Team," may indeed be my style right now. Maybe the snark isn't quite so fitting, but it's a lot closer than being inspired.

I have been working on my research-based Master's since the fall of 2005. There are lots of perfectly good reasons why I haven't finished- field seasons, Booker's deployment, bouts of anxiety disorder, insomnia (MAJOR insomnia, like 3-4 hours a night for months in a row) and depression. Now I'm just outright embarrassed that it's taking so long. My personal life is mine to keep personal, much of it is things I wouldn't want to share with my advisor (I told him about some "health problems" that have now been straightened out) or committee, yet the past two years have strongly affected my performance. Uhh...where was I?

Yes, so now I am just desperate to finish and constantly trying to de-fang this whole thing. I totally hate my project and feel little to no passion for what I have been doing. A friend of mine once told me to go with that; instead of waiting to feel inspired, to just let yourself feel so pissed off that you want to be done. And I am. I really am. I'm also verrry self-involved and cranky. So this is how my "M and E in Team" is playing out:

1) I don't care about meeting the new grad students. Yes, you are nice people, I have been in your shoes before and will be again. But I don't care about you. I won't be here past December and I'm not interested in making new friends. Plus, they all come in starry-eyed and Pollyanningly say "Iiiiii won't be here forever. Iiiii am going to finish in two years." Whatever. Just you wait. This is an overwhelmingly fieldwork-based department; the average is 2.5-3 years, and those people who take longer are busting their asses just as much as you plan to.

2) I am working at *large retail chain* and trying to help support our little family. Therefore, I am not always available to go to the department seminar and do not appreciate snarky e-mails from program head that "only 12 of our 40 students came to the seminar." I consistently attended seminar for 3 years. Bite me.

3) Nor do I appreciate, upon telling people where I work, getting told, "Well, do what you have to." BTW, it tends to be faculty who do that. Are you that out of touch?? Some of us don't have tenure! My job gives its employees full benefits for working 20+ hours a week. Yes, health care for working 20 hours a week. I'd like to point out that as a TA, I didn't earn any social security credits, definately no 403(b) options, and the university fees and mandated health insurance cost us 1/3 of our stipend a year.

3) I am working at a job where I make $1 dollar more an hour than a job I had as a college freshman over 10 years ago. Except now I have 1.75 more degrees. Yes, I'm lucky to have a job of any kind, the economy, blah blah blah. It still stings when you have $60,000 in student loan debt.

4) Competitive lab mate does not want anyone to finish before her. The next time she tries to pry out exactly how far along I am in writing, I might very well turn around and fart in her face.

I think I'm going to enjoy my membership in Team M-E. Being the pissed off founding member has gotten me to finish a thesis chapter, which I had put on hold all summer. If inspiration is not your style, I highly recommend starting an M-E franchise!

On the Rejection letter

Of all the snippets I've heard in the past year of this person and that person applying to a PhD program, virtually no one has been accepted. The only success story I've heard recently is a friend getting into vet school. At least there's some solidarity but man, it's a bad year. Does anyone see any evidence that 2010 will improve, in terms of funding in academia?

Rejected

Well, I didn't get into a program for next year. I applied to 4 schools, but when it came down to it, only 2 were viable. The other 3 PI's I discovered late in the game, over the holiday break, and applied in the hope that they would be taking students. None of the 3 were, although they did give me some positive feedback. Which I will have to print out and refer to over the next few days while I nurse my wounds. Viable school #1 rejected me straight out a few weeks ago. It wasn't a surprise because I wasn't a very good fit for the program, and not even sure I really wanted to go there anymore. Viable school #2 stung though. I got the letter yesterday and I'd really been hoping to get in. The letter had language like "final review" (ok, at least I made it to the last cut), "unusually low funding," and "unable to admit all worthy candidates."

I think my GRE scores might have done it. My math scores were low. Still, it's very frustrating. Professionally, I did everything right. High GPA. Grants. Scholarships. Publications. Presentations. International experience. Research-based thesis. Well, sunofabich. It doesn't matter what you have going for you if you have one thing going against you.

So, we'll stay somewhat where we are. We're lucky, *very lucky*, because Booker has a nice stable job. In fact, starting school next year would have meant living apart again, in different states, for at least a semester because of his work commitments. It hasn't even been a year since his deployment ended, and that was a 15-month stint. We were both concerned about another separation, so soon. This way, we'll have a whole year of everything being NORMAL. No deployment/ Army/ Wedding planning/ Moving (well, we'll have to sell this house [eek] and move, but just the one move. Then we are renting.)No crazy field work. No grad school stress and schedules. Just some time to work and hang out and pay off some of these bills. In the end, we'll probably be glad it went down like this. I'll get those GRE scores up, defend and try to publish from my Masters, run the side project I wanted to do a year ago, and try again for fall 2010.

But rejection does suck, and I'm trying not to give in to those thoughts like: "Well, maybe you won't get in next year either and will have to give up," or "This pushes back your timeline and soon you will be too old to have a baby!" That one is particularly silly because I'm only 30. It's something to think about, but one more years' delay won't make it impossible. (Because I was hoping to work abroad in tropical ecosystems, this event was still 2-3 years off, with the idea that we'd crank a kid out as soon as I finish my research.)

Oh wells. Interwebs, I'd be happy to hear your tales of rejection, in solidarity.

Effin', Fricken', Fracken', Focken'

So, I'm in the midst of turning in PhD applications (1 to go!) I did eventually find the delayed letter-writer, after calling him at home. Three times. Seriously, if you don't want to, then say no when I ask you, M'kay? But this individual is sort of notorious for the forgetting of the deadlines, and I didn't have much wiggle room since it is the person I have worked with most closely in this degree. But, all's well there.

Now for the next drama. One school had a Jan.1 deadline for their online application. So I sit down yesterday, Jan. 1, and the system will not allow me to select a term for which I am applying. In fact, there are no terms listed at all. The paragraph below the empty term box says that if no term is listed, then the deadline has passed. "But that deadline has not passed" says I, "The deadline is today." Tech support can only offer to contact the program department. No one is there, of course, because it's a big holiday. (Big shout-out to all you schools with deadlines on a holiday. Can't type what I'm actually shouting, though.)

The online application system will not let me submit my application without a selected term. I printed it and faxed it to the contact in the program office. I called that office and the office of admissions (voicemail.) I sent an e-mail to the program contact, along with screen captures showing the date and time and exact malufunction of the online system. And I berated myself over and over for not seeing this coming. I had hoped to be able to talk to someone today, but it seems like eveyone is out until Monday.

My big fear, is that they won't accept my application. I am totally biased, but that doesn't seem fair. At no point does anything say 'due at midnight on the 31st' or 'due by 8am Jan. 1st,' or 'can't access the system after the 31st' or anything. It just says the ambiguous 'deadline Jan. 1.' Subjectively, I probably should not have waited til the last day. Which Booker pointed out. Verrrrrrrrry carefully pointed out. I wasn't really receptive to constructive criticism:) But, deadlines are not subjective. Deadlines are objective and objectively, I ought to have been able to submit it online on Jan. 1.

Thoughts, Internet?

Dear future Dr. Self,

Remember that when people ask you for recommendation letters, they are asking you to advocate for them during a process in which they are extremely invested. Therefore, when your grad student asks you to write recommendation letters for her PhD applications, 6 weeks in advance, then reminds you and sends you e-mails and a Facebook message and also the online links to the applications, you will do her the common courtesy of a response. This will be important, especially if you have flaked out on her letters twice before, costing her a grant and an internship. No, Dr. Self, you will not put anyone through this the day before their applications are due. You will promptly send in recommendation letters, or in the very least, let all implicated parties know that really, you're on it, even if you are intending on submitting them at 11:58 pm the day they are due.

InaDWriMo

Well, since I didn't actually set goals until Nov. 11th it's evident that my progress is....well, is not. The goal is to get halfway through the V#$^ meter at right, and all the way through the 21 hours of GRE study time. Hopefully this round will go better than the last. This is my last chance to take it (all the Nov. dates were taken, drag. December 3rd) before my PhD apps are due, and actually it's kind of pushing it that the new, improved scores will make it in time. I guess I didn't consider that all the November dates would be taken. Meh.

Booker turned 30 on Saturday and has now caught up with his sexy older wife. We celebrated by using wedding gift money to buy a DSLR camera. And on this Veteran's Day, he has only 8 days left in active duty.

Catching Up

I guess that's about it.
The biggest news is that hus-biance came home in late March. Even as we get to know each other again and plan for the future, we're keeping one rightly suspicious eye on the possibility of stop-loss. (Hmm. I guess we are each keeping an eye on that, for an n=2 eyes, but not 2 eyes from the same head.) Stop-loss is when you are supposed to get out, you've fulfilled your contract, but oops! Uncle Sam does have enough people to deploy and fight for oil aherm, establish Iraqi freedom (sectarian violence and insurgents of all stripes. They must feel so very free.)...uh, where was I? Okay, stop-loss is when you are supposed to get out but they make you stay in, then they ship you off to Iraq or Afghanistan for another year. It's the back-door draft Kerry was talking about. Yeah, he was right about it then and it continues to this day. Of added concern is that hus-iance is of medium rank, which is the void the Army needs to fill. (What, you don't want to re-enlist after 2-3 tours?)

In 10 days we leave for our Midwest oddyessy soujourn to visit both of our families. I am dreading this for several reasons:
- For leg 1, we will be staying with his parents. In their house. For 24 hours a day. I sooooooo don't want to do this, for reasons I won't entirely go into in this forum but also? Isn't it always awkward to stay with your in-laws? Especially if they may try to convert you?
- Leg 2 will be my family, and for all I know he may have the same concerns about staying with his in-laws. Except you can tell my family no.
- I have to be at the second destination for a full week, for a wedding and my sister's graduation. This means that...
- By the time I get home (he may have to fly home ahead of me), I will have been gone for just about a full 3 weeks. This will seriously derail my work progress (see sidebar.) I really heavily on momentum, which I now have and will have start from scratch after 3 weeks. My field season will be over but my raw data is a wild pony to tame. Actually, it requires much more monotony...my raw data is a hearty fungus to tame. It doesn't go anywhere, and yet it multiplies and multiplies such that the colony itself EXPANDS. Such data-whispering will take 3-4 weeks at least, which puts me into July before I start any actual analysis. I'm trying to finish in the fall, and I just don't like the way this timeline is shaping up. I can bring some of the wild fungus with me, but lets face it, that never works. I'm just way to high-strung about my work space, plus having really poor concentration, to mess with it.
- That was a digression.
- Finally, this will be my 4th trip to the hometown in 12 months. I can't afford so much running around, both financially and for the negative effects on my progression. To be fair, one of those trips was reversed. My Mom and sister were coming here until about a week before they bailed. To make up for it, Mom paid for my flight to go there. That was nice. However, because it was last minute, the school year and my teaching responsibilities were starting and I could only get away for 2.5 days. Hardly the best use of that airfare. Another trip was a family emergency. I do not in any way regret this trip. It was absolutely the only way to do things. And hopefully it will be the last time I buy a ticket 2.5 hours before the plane takes off.

So, the catching up has been on a very personal level, work level, and pretty soon the family level. Oh, and planning the wedding!

This last part is to remind me later of some posts I have planned:
-Police Officers Memorial week
-Violence in Entertainment
-Jealousy in the workplace
- In-laws: why they are not immediately your family and it shouldn't be forced!

I have various and sundry items in the posterior receptacle.

Or, as one of my students so helpfully noted, "they had junk in the trunk."

Yessiree, it's that time of year! Fall student evaluations have been processed and handed back to the instructors. There's always a gem or five in the batch. My first semester teaching, unstable problem student said I was "the most miserable person alive." Yes, the evaluations are completely anonymous, and typed by a third party so teachers can't identify handwriting, handed back after grades are in, the whole shebang. But, only unstable problem student (who ended the semester by standing in my office doorway screaming at me) would say something like that. The other gems from that semester were the pair who said I should "get a personality and stop talking like Ben Stein." I'm sorry, precious little snowflakes, that I failed to make cell division and osmosis *sparkle and gleam* to your stringent standards.

Anyway, this semester on the whole I was pleased with the feedback I received. A fair number of my students thought that I was enthusiastic, well-prepared, and approachable. In each of my four sections the students who began the course as 'having no interest in the subject at all,' had at least upgraded to 'have a minor interest in the subject.' I attribute this to Super David Attenborough, who was in several of the YouTube videos I showed the class. "Yes, mitosis may not be exciting, but you haven't seen strangler figs! Rapid cell division and growth, yeah baby yeah!'

But of course, when dealing with young adults of variable maturity, there must be one gem, one precious, glittering emerald, one pinnacle of character who must say, when asked if the course or instructor could be improved:

"They had junk in the trunk."

Pronoun issues aside, I must point out that if these evals were not anonymous, we'd undoubtedly discover this person had handily earned a D or F.

Mostly it's funny, but the part that makes me mad, (aside from them not paying homage to my glorious rack:)), is that a comment like that, reducing me to my fabulous ass, would never show up on the evals of my male colleuagues.

Here we go, always with the too much of the information

I may have just created negative consequence for myself. For the past 2 summers, I have taught a summer intensive as part of an enrichment program for high school students. It's only a month long and classes are in the am, so it fits in well with other activities. Until this summer, possibly. For reasons unknown this morning I was trying to figure out my summer employment. I'd like to request a teaching assistantship in my department for this summer. I have seniority and am trying to finish up my thesis, which are usually the requirements to get this position. Unfortunately, the term which I would request overlaps with the last week of the high school program. I talked to my boss who oversees the labs and TA's to find out the requirements. Turns out, with the sections on the schedule right now, I would have one morning class so no, I could not do both.

Thing is, I could have just asked about the scheduling and teaching load, and have all the information I need. But, me being me, I had to go and explain and explicitly state that I would be trying to do both. I have a pretty good rapport with my boss and don't entirely think this would go against me. And it might not. But then she asked if I had to pick, which one would I pick, and when I honestly answered that it depended on money...

then I remembered, too late, that that could be used against me. A lot of people request a summer TA and they might not want to give one to someone who is enetertaining other options. And I think employers don't like to think of their employees working other jobs because of the possibility of shoddy work. At least I knew enough to point out that I wanted to teach at high school program because I already have all the lesson plans and it would be easy. I know I could easily handle both; the overlap is only for a week.

Another grad student in the department lost funding last fall for being too honest. She told the chair that she was interviewing for outside jobs, and he used that as a reason- "due to your job prospects"- to give her TA to a new incoming student. Is this the same kind of thing? I guess one difference is that this is so far in advance. It's not even time to request TA's yet, so I can still request a TA and make it clear that that it is my preference. And, there's a chance they will add sections, which would make it possible for me to do both because I maybe wouldn't have that one am class to teach on the lab side. And, the other grad student in mention had also dropped some balls the previous year, so there might have been another logic at hand.

Still, I could have avoided all the worry if I had just answered "Oh, of course I would rather work here..." Which, actually is true.

Back to it

I can tell it's almost time to face my work again by the condition of my teeth. I have been grinding at night and clenching during the day. It hurts to pass any food or liquid over the right side of my mouth, and my unstable tooth near the front is a little loose again. (Yeah, I'm almost 30 and I have a loose tooth. It's the result of an accident about 4 years ago during my Peace Corps service. The impressive part is that it hasn't fallen out yet.)

Tangent: It is very hard to get used to in-laws.
*Edited*

One of my committee members asked how my research is going by saying, "I haven't heard anything since the meeting...gosh, that was a long time ago." Crap. I don't think she was saying it in a pointed way, because she is not an asshole. More of a "oh yeah, that was a long time ago," than a "that was a long time ago and why the hell don't you have your shit together?" Still, I spent some time stressing over the second possibility, that my committee all thinks I am a massive failure and waste of time and will never, ever, pass me on this degree. Clearly, if that is what I am thinking then that is the reality, yes? More tooth-grinding. The unstable tooth is now wiggly when I swallow. I chatted with her a bit about my field seasons last spring and fall, and my intention to pull together some graphs for the committee before the spring field season. (See sidebar on Dec-Jan to-do list. Note that that task is not crossed off because I spent my break watching 'The Office' on Netflix on-demand.) She was quick to add that we don't need to have another committee meeting - I guess no one enjoys those- but that we should just meet over it individually. I've mostly calmed down but am still spending 5 15 50 minutes here and there thinking about my not-having-shit-together-ed-ness.

An extended essay