Where I Am Now

The February business assignment on the Soarority forum focuses on a current-state inventory for those starting photography businesses. I'm applying the same principle to my own stalled academic career.


Talents & Skills: Improved whazoo skills, a surprising interest in zoowhazz, GIS mapping, better at experimental design (although that is a constantly evolving skill), solid writing skills, Speak French, able to live in rustic, low-to-no-amenity environments (pit latrine. 2.5 years), grant-writing, classoom management/ lesson-planning/ instructional skills; trained in community develoment and have conducted start to finish projects on that end, once in awhile I can come up with an idea and a half-plan on how to do some cool SCIENCE!

Money ...Received some grants for my MS research which I am currently writing-up...also received a travel grant to attend a national conferece and present a poster on my work. Had received teaching assistantships for several semesters. Currently employed full-time in my home department; hoping that will last. (We're in a state that is proposing murderous budget cuts, so a lay-off is always a possbility.) Now I need to finish the second half of my thesis and defend. I'll also need to present my final results at a conference for one of my granting agencies. We're okay on money right now- okay meaning we make all of our minimum payments with a very small margin at months' end. The best thing I can do to help us with money is have my Master's in hand.


People- Booker. Two women who have invested a lot of time in mentoring me and listening to my whining and anxiety. Lots of friends who are in academia and understand the challenges. Lots of friends who are not in academia to remind me that there are other things to work towards in life. My advisor is pretty good, although distinctly slow in returning drafts. And often a no-show or reschedules meetings. I feel pretty good about my committee members- they are nice people who give constructive criticism---not really worried about one of them going apeshit on me in the defense. Above all else, they are *fair*.

Systems- Ummm....well, my laptop has Microsoft XP, as does Booker's. Both are ancient and of low-to-medium performance, but we're making them work for us. I have the BioStats program our Dept. uses. Access to computers on campus with ARC-GIS software. Hours and hours of whazoo recordings and a pretty kickin' zoowhazz collection. External hard-drive.

Agreements- I have a contract with myself to finish this degree, or lose my self-respect forever.

Mission impact- there's a gap in the literature which my results would fill quite nicely. This topic was hot 25 years ago, then folks moved on. Not because it was irrelevant, but few were looking at any specific components to this ecological issue. When it was all in generalities, the community couldn't really come to any conclusions. My hope is that my research provides hard data for a very tiny component of the larger issue, which can be used to bolster up declining whazoo populations. Long-term, my committment is to research and sustainability, however those come about. My first preference is a career in academia because I want the freedom to conduct my own research, I like teaching, and I want to start a non-profit working with my former village in far-away place. Life as a professor would support all those goals.

Scientiae: ThereIsNoIinTeamButThereIs_M_E

Attributed to my best friend, whispered during one of our track coaches' less effective pep talks.

"There is an M and an E in Team," may indeed be my style right now. Maybe the snark isn't quite so fitting, but it's a lot closer than being inspired.

I have been working on my research-based Master's since the fall of 2005. There are lots of perfectly good reasons why I haven't finished- field seasons, Booker's deployment, bouts of anxiety disorder, insomnia (MAJOR insomnia, like 3-4 hours a night for months in a row) and depression. Now I'm just outright embarrassed that it's taking so long. My personal life is mine to keep personal, much of it is things I wouldn't want to share with my advisor (I told him about some "health problems" that have now been straightened out) or committee, yet the past two years have strongly affected my performance. Uhh...where was I?

Yes, so now I am just desperate to finish and constantly trying to de-fang this whole thing. I totally hate my project and feel little to no passion for what I have been doing. A friend of mine once told me to go with that; instead of waiting to feel inspired, to just let yourself feel so pissed off that you want to be done. And I am. I really am. I'm also verrry self-involved and cranky. So this is how my "M and E in Team" is playing out:

1) I don't care about meeting the new grad students. Yes, you are nice people, I have been in your shoes before and will be again. But I don't care about you. I won't be here past December and I'm not interested in making new friends. Plus, they all come in starry-eyed and Pollyanningly say "Iiiiii won't be here forever. Iiiii am going to finish in two years." Whatever. Just you wait. This is an overwhelmingly fieldwork-based department; the average is 2.5-3 years, and those people who take longer are busting their asses just as much as you plan to.

2) I am working at *large retail chain* and trying to help support our little family. Therefore, I am not always available to go to the department seminar and do not appreciate snarky e-mails from program head that "only 12 of our 40 students came to the seminar." I consistently attended seminar for 3 years. Bite me.

3) Nor do I appreciate, upon telling people where I work, getting told, "Well, do what you have to." BTW, it tends to be faculty who do that. Are you that out of touch?? Some of us don't have tenure! My job gives its employees full benefits for working 20+ hours a week. Yes, health care for working 20 hours a week. I'd like to point out that as a TA, I didn't earn any social security credits, definately no 403(b) options, and the university fees and mandated health insurance cost us 1/3 of our stipend a year.

3) I am working at a job where I make $1 dollar more an hour than a job I had as a college freshman over 10 years ago. Except now I have 1.75 more degrees. Yes, I'm lucky to have a job of any kind, the economy, blah blah blah. It still stings when you have $60,000 in student loan debt.

4) Competitive lab mate does not want anyone to finish before her. The next time she tries to pry out exactly how far along I am in writing, I might very well turn around and fart in her face.

I think I'm going to enjoy my membership in Team M-E. Being the pissed off founding member has gotten me to finish a thesis chapter, which I had put on hold all summer. If inspiration is not your style, I highly recommend starting an M-E franchise!

Catching Up

I guess that's about it.
The biggest news is that hus-biance came home in late March. Even as we get to know each other again and plan for the future, we're keeping one rightly suspicious eye on the possibility of stop-loss. (Hmm. I guess we are each keeping an eye on that, for an n=2 eyes, but not 2 eyes from the same head.) Stop-loss is when you are supposed to get out, you've fulfilled your contract, but oops! Uncle Sam does have enough people to deploy and fight for oil aherm, establish Iraqi freedom (sectarian violence and insurgents of all stripes. They must feel so very free.)...uh, where was I? Okay, stop-loss is when you are supposed to get out but they make you stay in, then they ship you off to Iraq or Afghanistan for another year. It's the back-door draft Kerry was talking about. Yeah, he was right about it then and it continues to this day. Of added concern is that hus-iance is of medium rank, which is the void the Army needs to fill. (What, you don't want to re-enlist after 2-3 tours?)

In 10 days we leave for our Midwest oddyessy soujourn to visit both of our families. I am dreading this for several reasons:
- For leg 1, we will be staying with his parents. In their house. For 24 hours a day. I sooooooo don't want to do this, for reasons I won't entirely go into in this forum but also? Isn't it always awkward to stay with your in-laws? Especially if they may try to convert you?
- Leg 2 will be my family, and for all I know he may have the same concerns about staying with his in-laws. Except you can tell my family no.
- I have to be at the second destination for a full week, for a wedding and my sister's graduation. This means that...
- By the time I get home (he may have to fly home ahead of me), I will have been gone for just about a full 3 weeks. This will seriously derail my work progress (see sidebar.) I really heavily on momentum, which I now have and will have start from scratch after 3 weeks. My field season will be over but my raw data is a wild pony to tame. Actually, it requires much more monotony...my raw data is a hearty fungus to tame. It doesn't go anywhere, and yet it multiplies and multiplies such that the colony itself EXPANDS. Such data-whispering will take 3-4 weeks at least, which puts me into July before I start any actual analysis. I'm trying to finish in the fall, and I just don't like the way this timeline is shaping up. I can bring some of the wild fungus with me, but lets face it, that never works. I'm just way to high-strung about my work space, plus having really poor concentration, to mess with it.
- That was a digression.
- Finally, this will be my 4th trip to the hometown in 12 months. I can't afford so much running around, both financially and for the negative effects on my progression. To be fair, one of those trips was reversed. My Mom and sister were coming here until about a week before they bailed. To make up for it, Mom paid for my flight to go there. That was nice. However, because it was last minute, the school year and my teaching responsibilities were starting and I could only get away for 2.5 days. Hardly the best use of that airfare. Another trip was a family emergency. I do not in any way regret this trip. It was absolutely the only way to do things. And hopefully it will be the last time I buy a ticket 2.5 hours before the plane takes off.

So, the catching up has been on a very personal level, work level, and pretty soon the family level. Oh, and planning the wedding!

This last part is to remind me later of some posts I have planned:
-Police Officers Memorial week
-Violence in Entertainment
-Jealousy in the workplace
- In-laws: why they are not immediately your family and it shouldn't be forced!

Lost?

For about 5 minutes Sunday night I thought I had lost all of my data from the last field season. This was particularly bowel-twisting given that I thought I'd lost it both from its original home and the back-up CD. There was cursing, there was crying, and even though it was found in the end, it was real enough that it took me a good 2 hours to fully calm down. I just kept seeing my committee, and tried to think of some plausible reason for having nothing from that time period. Like I said, humiliation is a very strong motivator.

To re-assure myself, today I saved the data to the lab computer. There can not possibly be too many ways or places to save this! There is also a copy under my mattress. It is lumpy.